Free Write: Healing My Shadow Self
February 15th, 2010 by DaeI jotted this down one night after the SONG Organizing School as I tried to process the myriad feelings and thoughts racing within me. I sort of forgot about it, but it was the first page I turned to in my journal this morning. So I decided to share:
I feel trapped inside myself. Like my true self is a small glowing light inside this physical form …a form that looks, speaks and acts foreign. I’m ashamed. With every word I feel like a fraud. I sometimes hate myself. I feel a force has been destroying me bit by bit for last 29 years. But I equally feel a force has been pushing back against the falsity that wishes to consume me. There’s a war going on in my body, mind and spirit. The glow must win for the sake of my sanity. For the sake of my child. For the sake of my soul. For the sake of all I have to offer. For the sake of my legacy. For the sake of light. For the sake of TRUTH.
I had a close, intimate friend with whom I shared many happy and challenging moments. I haven’t seen her in four years and I miss her dearly. When I moved to my current home, I found something she had left behind during a brief stay with me — an adapted excerpt from The Deeper Wound by Deepak Chopra. I posted the excerpt in my bathroom next to the mirror, forcing me to read it every day. What’s listed on that paper has been one of the sources of my strength for the past year, and it reads as follows:
My Shadow self is serving me. I am grateful for that.
This affirmation is about repression and duality. My shadow self has gained the power to frighten me because I have repressed it. But my shadow doesn’t see itself as my enemy. It sees itself as my guardian. It protects me by holding on to those energies that belong to me even though I feel guilty and ashamed of them. Guilt made me turn to repression as a solution. Shame makes me not want to look or listen when these energies call out. Because my shadow energies got pushed out of sight, they never had a chance to show their hidden spiritual message. This message was for my growth, and thanks to my shadow self, which has held on to these old, forotten experiences, I can revisit them. As my shadow self holds negative energy for me, it tries to attract my attention, not to make me afraid or entraged or vindictive, but so that I can convert those feelings into understanding. Understanding is the light. As my shadows of rage, fear terror, and revenge return, I only need to see and undertand. As soon as I do that, they will deliver their message and then go. This is the whole process of healing my shadow self.
My shadow self and I have the same goal – to rejoin the light.
